Comfortable Black
by blc
Summary: A post-Serenity Mal/River account. "Black is quiet, soothing," River tells him. Mal comes to find the black River offers a comfort.
1. Chapter 1

This is my first Firefly fic. It takes place after Serenity, and deals with Mal and his ghosts-- his "loud behind voices" as River calls them, at least in this story.

_Feng Kuang, fong leg_-- crazy, insane  
_Wan Mei_-- beautiful, perfect  
_Bao Bay_-- sweetheart  
_Mei-mei_-- little sister

* * *

"Black is quiet, soothing," she says, movin' quiet as always not long before my pilotin' shift's due to end. It's been long since it bothered me, that way she creeps up on you. Ain't had no reason to worry none 'bout her creepin' up on me since that first time with that gun in the cargo bay. My old gramps useta say if you treat kindly them's that aren't sure who they are, and they're not ever going to go bad on you. Works every time, much as she's had trouble with others on this here boat, even that brother o' hers. Figures, I suppose. I ain't always sure who I am all the time either, and she treats me right kindly in return.

"Sure is," I say laconically.

"Little lights can be mapped and identified, seen from a long way away."

"No surprises," I say, agreeing.

"Space debris, though," she says, curling herself into the co-pilot's seat, tucking those long limbs of hers up under her skirt, the long fall of her hair obscuring those pale delicate features o'hers.

"Proximity alarms," I reply. "And repeller shields."

"Always something ahead to think about," she says dreamily, then turns to look at me full on. "Looking ahead makes the loud voices behind a little less loud."

I shrug. Ain't no reason to respond sometimes, she already worms that head of hers into mine anyway. I suppose it's all kinds of strange I find that comfortable, but there it is. Ain't no accounting for preferences. Sometimes it's good, not havin' to explain yourself.

"There are lots of loud voices," she says solemnly, her eyes still meetin' mine.

"Sure are, _mei-mei_," I reply, knowin' now she ain't talkin' 'bout me. I keep talkin', not that she don't know what I'm thinkin', but it'd be bad manners to get outta practice communicatin' out loud my thoughts on them to other people. My own self's different, since not everyone on this boat's all wormed into my head. "But you're right. Black's good for that. A right physical prescription, no pills or shots, thank you very much." I don't always hold with the way that brother o'hers tries to fix her up with things after the fact, try to undo ever'thing that's been done wrong to her. Sometimes things are broken an' just makes it worse to try fixin' 'em or root 'em all out to try an' rebuild things all over again.

"Some don't know different. Broken is not broken if broken knits back like bone. Hurts. Aches in bad weather. Not always as strong. But knitted broken still works. Broken isn't the same as not working. She still works. He still works. Broken's different."

She stands up, twirlin' in the small space between our two chairs as she looks up out into the black, then lies down on the floor so she can look up better.

"Broken's different," she repeats, a smile on her face.

"I know it, little bird," I say, then look back at the Black. "She still works. He still works. You're right." It's been a while, too, since I thought it strange the way River talks like she's talkin' bout someone's not here-- sayin' he and she instead o' you and me.

I don't reckon how long we sit there, quiet-like, watching the stars pass by, enjoyin' the Black, the lookin' ahead. Zo', she almost gets it, knows when a man ain't up to talkin' most o'the time. Sometimes, though, she's just keepin' quiet outta respect when she's thinkin' I'm bein' broody.

"Not broody," River's thready voice comes up from the floor.

"Well, I'm sure glad you think so, _mei-mei_," I say, lookin' down at her. "Leastaways someone round here knows I ain't just a surly so and so all the time."

"Black in the waking times makes the bad sleeping times slip further off, at least for a while. Black is quiet and soothing." she says, risin' up from the floor and standin' next to me, then pushes at the leg I've got crossed. She ain't shovin' her mind at me to make me do what she wants', don't think she would-- she just wants me to make room for her o'my own accord, so I do, wonderin' what she'll do next. Sometimes I can tell, sometimes there just ain't no tellin'.

She crawls into my lap and sits sidewise, wrappin' her arms 'round my neck and layin' her forehead alongside to my temple.

"Not your _mei-mei_," she says softly, that breath of hers on my neck makin' all sorts of improper thoughts come bubblin' up. Right where she can see 'em too, I suppose. It's too comfortable an' strange all't once, her sittin' right there.

"Not your _mei-mei_," she says again. "Don't want to be, neither do you."

"I know, and you know, and prob'ly more'n the rest of the crew on this boat knows more'n I'd like 'em to," I reply, trying the words aloud so that at least I've said 'em out where any pryin' ears might be listenin'. "An' maybe you shouldn't be listenin' and knowin' as much as you do neither there, River."

"'Nara's not broken," she says softly. "Kaylee either. Zoe's only a little broken from Wash-pilot. Even Jayne's not broken and Simon thinks he is but he's not. He's just ... sprained after Miranda."

A laugh comes from me outta nowhere. "Sprained. Like that, little bird," I reply, one arm bracing her 'round the back of her waist unwilled. Unneeded, too. Way she fights Reavers, this girl, well, she don't need me to hold on to her.

"Do, though," she says, readin' me again. "He knows her loud behind voices are talking even if he can't hear what they say and he makes them stop, tells her they're not right here." Pulling back, she tugs at me to look at her, her serious look and that pale skin o' hers makin' her look like those old drawin's of moon goddesses and suchlike.

"There's killing outside bad things. That's easy, he knows and she knows and it's not hard when it's bad men who want to make their friends hurt. Inside bad things are harder. That's a different holding on. She doesn't need outside holding on most of the time, he doesn't either. But he doesn't let any inside holding either. No inside holding is bad. His knowing her loud behind voices are talking is an inside kind of holding, she's less broken that way."

"That might be the longest speech I ever heard you make," I say. She's right, o' course. I ain't gonna inflict myself on someone can't understand what it means to ... well, as she says, have loud behind voices. Ain't fair. Those memories be always competin' with the voices right there at your side, always demandin' answers right then when sometimes a man needs more time to concentrate.

"Glad on hearin' I'm useful, though," I say, feelin' pleased that at leastaways someone 'round here thinks I'm good for somethin' besides a meal and a ride. I know it ain't all true, but don't change how a man feels when he is just feelin' broody.

"His voice is black," she says, and I know she's referrin' to what she was sayin' earlier when I agreed with her. Black is quiet and soothing, she says.

"Don't change the rest o' it, _bao bay_," I say. Stupid to be callin' her _mei-mei_ anyways. She ain't my little sister-- she ain't no one's little sister after Miranda, though Simon sure might like to keep thinkin' so. More like she's everyone's big sister, takin' care o'everyone.

"She is a big sister, yes, but he's wrong. He is a big brother, even if he thinks the loud behind voices make him not be."

I been lookin' at her as she tries to convince me there ain't nothin' wrong with a man leastaways four times her age thinkin' of, much less actin' on, improper thoughts of a girl he's only got rights to think on as a _mei-mei_ if that, even. Even if she can kill anything the 'verse throws at her if she's so inclined that way. And it's nice to hear she thinks I'm better'n I am, even if she got it all wrong.

"Not four," she says smiling. "three point two times. She is older than she looks, all that broken-making makes her look small. Is of age, anywhere in the 'verse" It'd be funny, her doin' the math on somethin' I ain't even said aloud, if it weren't so deadly serious.

"You're really set on this, aren't you _bao bay_?"

She nods, running her fingers through my hair with those hands o'hers, them as shoot faster'n me an' Jayne put together. "She may be _feng kuang_ but he's _feng kuang_ too." Her words and her actions send a shudder through me, not one o' fear, neither.

"That ain't much of a reason, River," I say, tryin' to reason with her. It's about as ridiculous as tryin' to herd cats when she's got her mind set on somethin'. "Lots o' reasons why not." Problem is, in her way o'hers, she's usually right in th' end.

She pouts suddenly, her hands stillin' in my hair as she grips slightly tighter, speaks rougher. "He's stupid. Miranda would happen again but he saw, was big brother, made them help, made them want to help, the whole 'verse knows about Miranda now because he said so. Miranda won't happen again, she knows it. Can _see_ it won't. He does all the big brother things without a _bao bay_ to say he did right. Stupid to think years matter. The question is broken and still working, not a question of ... numbers. Just ... she's broken and he's broken and each other is black. Isn't she black?"

"Sure she is," I admit. Always do sleep better after one of these strange talks of ours. Girl knows when to leave you alone, or ask the right questions leastaways if she ain't so inclined to be quiet. Though I doubt anyone listenin' would have any clue what the hell we're talkin' 'bout. Hell, I don't know _how_ I know what she's talkin' bout half the time, just that I do.

"Aren't the left behind voices less loud for a bit after the inside holding? Hers do. He's black."

"Knowin' someone's a comfort's not the same as bein' somebody's _bao bay_," I say, warnin' her.

She pulls herself off my lap and stands right in front o'me, puts her other finger under my chin, her other hand still in my hair.

"Sometimes it is. To her, too. She knows what it means, being _bao bay_-- she hears others when they are together. She can see, she can know-- she knows he thinks of her as not _mei-mei_." The look on her face is as deadly serious as any look on her I've ever seen, and she thinks a long moment. "He's not a big brother, not to her, either."

"Little bird," I say, givin' up the ghost of denyin' at least part of it. "Don' change the fact I'd be right strung up by that brother o'you'rn and likely everyone on this boat here, even if'n I weren't too broken anyways."

She cocks her head and says "Not too broken. Just differently broken than her. Like she said. The question is if he still works. And he still works, he does. Her too."

Hearin' it from someone as had far worse then I've ever been through's is more of an assurance than even as them like Zo' who'se been through it might be. It's all about keepin' goin', keepin' flyin'. I don't care what my boat looks like, so long it's as tidy as can be and gets us from one place to the next. She might be a little beat up on the outside, sure, but it's the inside that matters.

She leans in, that one small finger o' hers still under my chin, and lays a kiss so soft and light on me that it's like a flower petal or somethin', before leanin' back just enough to look me straight in the eye. "Still works, still keeps flying, yes. She told Simon it was none of his business. He agreed. His getting ... sprained ... makes him see better, a bit. Simon knows Mal is black, she is better with Mal. And the rest of them ... they know he's big brother, and in their way they know she's big sister, too. They know he doesn't have any inside holding. Even Inara. Everyone wants him to have some kind of black, even if they don't know the difference between not working and broken."

I'd say somethin' at this point but for once my mind's a real blank, 'specially when she leans in again and lays another one of those kisses on me-- again lighter than a little bird's wings. This time I just kiss her back, just a little, jus' enough that it's there, even as I sure as hell ain't sure what to do next, even as I ain't sure what made me kiss her just that mite bit.

She smiles and backs off, trails that hand in my hair over my cheek so soft-like I'm turning my head into her hand in spite o'myself. I might as well be in knee pants again. It ain't fair, first woman comes along as _gets it_ is like on three point two times younger'n me, and still ain't no one I'd inflict myself on. She's got enough loud voices of her'n. But she just smiles again, then taps me light with one finger on my forehead.

"See? No loud behind voices. Her either."

And then she's gone in a swirl of flowery skirts and flowing dark hair and white skin an' just all that's _wan mei_ as I look out into the Black, she's right. There ain't no loud behind voices right then. They'll be back, sure enough, but for now? She is black-- and that little part of me that wants to not be so broken says she's usually right and I should just do what she says. If'n she's readin' and now she's seein' if she's sayin' there ain't gonna be another Miranda, it'd be dumb for me to argue-- but I've always been ornery, and I can't right see my way past the things she don't think matter none.


	2. Chapter 2

'Nara comes up towards time for her shift. She stopped wearin' so much of her Companionin' clothes, sayin' she done thrown her lot in with us, and maybe she'll be the first freelance Companion, settle down someplace nice if we make landfall for more'n a month and she decides she's sick o'the travel. She ain't gotten sick yet, tho', and it's nice to have three shifts o'people flyin' this bird, not jus' me and River.

"You are more at ease since Miranda," she says, slidin' into her chair.

"What is it with women on this boat?" I ask, mostly jokin'. "Seems like every conversation starts in the middle. Not with a "Captain," or "Hello, Mal," or even a "Hey, you." Just straight int' the declarations."

She smiles, that 'Nara smile that's always mysterious. The one that makes you think she knows what you're thinkin', though sometimes clearly she don't. "Perhaps we just find those social formalities unnecessary, since you are a straightforward man."

I snort. "Hardly that. Now you're just butterin' me up. What, you want a stop-off so's we can pick up on some real clothes for you so's you can get outta Kaylee's so much?"

She laughs. "No, but that would be nice. Some fresh vegetables as well." It's easier, somehow, since Miranda. Not as I didn't know she couldn't fight, you gotta be tough in your own way to be a Companion, but she's more part of the crew and some of that whatever it was just evaporated, somehow. Just about when I come back an' seen all them dead Reavers River done took down. Love at mass death and all that.

"Well," I say, thinkin'. "Don' need a job right now quite so much but it'd be nice to line one up if we can. I'll check on as I can where there ain't no Alliance been around lately, see if there's some buzz out there'n the Cortex about jus' how persona non grata I am."

"River mentioned to me that when she listens to the Cortex, she can sometimes "hear what's ahead," as she puts it."

"Does she, now?" It's curious-- she never told that to me. Jus' she wants to sleep with me and her brother ain't gonna get in the way. Well, there's such a thing as information overload, I suppose.

'Nara looks at me again as I stand an' stretch. "She tells me many things, Mal."

I shake my head. "'Course she does. Sometimes she don't talk for days, sometimes you can't get her to stop."

"She is more at ease since Miranda, too," she replies, skirtin' round it. I'm sure I know what the "many things" River's been tellin' Inara include. 'Nara's pretty good at guessin' what River's gettin' at too.

"That don' make the rest of it right," I say, feelin' impatient all of a sudden. I switch over my controls, and turn to head back down to the mess.

"Why do you let Alliance ways dictate your conduct, Mal? There are things that are right because you feel that they are, and there are things that are right because others tell you they are. The problem is, Mal, that the things others tell you are often wrong in the end."

I ain't gonna respond to that partin' shot, nor even pretend like I heard it. Instead, I head back to my bunk.

* * *

I can't sleep, but this time it ain't because thoughts o' the past. Nope-- this time it's because of that little bird, flittin' around and dancin' through my head, and those lips o'hers brushin' over mine. That's what she moves like, sometimes, a little bird. Small, light, like she's ready to fly away if you scare her. By the same token, though, she's a hawk, or one of those hunting birds. I suppose most men'd find it scary as hell findin' out that one of their crew's a re-engineered assassin with all kinds o'abilities foisted on her or woken up when they weren't ready for wakin', but her kind of fong leh ain't ever bothered me, much as some of the rest of 'em don't quite know how to deal with her. But what Inara said's true. She done settled down since Miranda, even if she still does have that strange way of sayin' what she's thinkin', code-like. I can understand that part, though. Sometimes it's hard enough sayin' anything, much less something sensible. She's always made sense to me. So my brain's spinnin' sights of the way she dances around and twirls jus' because she's feelin' like it.

She's less broken that way than I am. Don' know when I just did somethin' I felt like in the moment. A long time, that's for sure. Las' time I let myself do somethin' in the moment, just 'cause I felt like it-- well, it's a long part of the way she explains it as how I came on to be broken.

The fiftieth time or so I swat away thoughts of those lips of hers on me I give up and heave myself outta my bunk. Headin' down to the cargo bay, I decide on checkin' things over even's I know everything's fine, stowed away as it should be. I'm not quite sure as what to do next, so I head up to look at my engines. Kaylee's engines, more like. She ain't there, but her hammock is, so in I go. It's comfortable, nice view of those engines acting just as they should, and I see why she likes to spend so much time here. The noise is almost as soothin' as watchin' the Black pass us by.

I'm just driftin' off when I feel it, a littler weight than I'd expect, even though I know she's already tiny. O'course Kaylee's hammock's got room for two, so she makes room for herself. Jus' like she made room for herself in my head.

"Little bird, you just gonna keep peckin', ain't you?"

Her response is to drag my arm over her and rest her head at my shoulder. "Little birds peck until they get all the food that they need. It helps them keep flying."

I'm tryin' to think of a response that's not a contradiction of what I thought earlier, but that'd be a lie and her little fingers are doing this thing in my hair and that driftin' off feelin' comes along 'fore I can push somethin' offputtin' out past my lips.

* * *

The next morning I wake to her fingers tracing my face-- the first full night's sleep I've had in a dog's age. It's early still, and she says in my ear "Little bird's got to go fly the bigger bird now," as I open my eyes and turn to look at her. She's got a right playful look on her face as she lights out of the hammock without jostlin' me at all, she's just that graceful. Then she stands there a moment before tappin' my forehead again.

"See? Little bird is black to the Captain. No loud behind voices for either of them, and because each is _bao bay_. Yes? She's right, yes?"

She's right, o'course. Best sleep not just in a dog's age, but years, maybe ever since Serenity Valley, but I can't get the words past my mouth, 'specially that part about her bein' my bao bay. She tips her head, looks at me keenly, then says "Thinking's not saying out loud. He needs saying out loud. But little bird will keep pecking."

With that promise or threat, I ain't quite sure which, she leans in and ghosts a kiss on my forehead before she dances off toward the foredeck.

Sayin' out loud. That'uns always made me talk more'n the rest of them all put together, Zo' even included. But I ain't ready yet to say nothin' out loud. Not when there's still more thinkin' to do.


	3. Chapter 3

They're pleased as more'n a passel o'kittens let loose in a gallon o'milk later that day when I says as there's no reason two days from now to not set down at Beaumonde near on a week, do some serious restockin' and them as needs it go shoppin', let Kaylee and Simon figure on what they need for a few months out in the Black. "An' if everyone keeps their ears to the ground, maybe we can pick up a job or some passengers as'll pay for somethin' 'side's protein."

'Nara's lookin' thoughtful, like as plottin' on restockin' her wardrobe, and Kaylee and Simon both got on those faces they get when they're totin' up inventory. Jayne jus' looks like he's tryin' to 'member what bars he ain't banned from. Ain't gonna be many, though I think Zo's got a list somewhere. I already got a list o'those things as we've needs for the ship 'sides from postin' mail an' gettin' it an' seein' what work we can scare up in New Dunsmuir.

Since it's end o'River's pilotin' shift as I 'nounce it, I set course and put my feet up, stare out again into the Black whilst I hear Kaylee and 'Nara grab onta River an' start plannin' what they're goin' to do. 'Cept re-visit the Maidenhead. Better mention ain't no settin' foot there for no one. They're likely to shoot us all on sight.

The prospect's got them all buzzin', and' I get most a full day's work in before River's at me in the cargo bay tellin' me there's places for dancin' and eatin' and drinkin' that ain't got any whorin' and Jayne even wants to go there, so I've got to practice my dancin' with her afore we get there.

"He's not a little bird," she says, grabbin' my arms and tryin' to get me to twirl her around, "but bigger and smaller birds can both fly together." _Jus' what I need. The whole crew findin' me dancin' wi' the little bird in the cargo bay when I'm on 'em all the time 'bout no slackin' right before landfall._

"Isn't slacking," she says, successfully managing to make me catch her up in a waltz, and she ain't even pushin' at me with that brain o'hers. Just that smile and the way that hair falls back and forth over her face-- unpredictable-like, so's you don't know what you're gonna see next, 'cept that you know it's gonna be beautiful. She smiles as she listens in on the thought, and grabs my hand tighter even as I'm gonna pull off before the real improper thoughts come bubblin' up again, 'specially given the way her hip feels under my hand as I go along with her wantin' to waltz to music only she hears. Problem is-- the longer I dance with her, I start hearin' it too.

"Isn't slacking," she repeats, then whips her head around as Simon calls "River?" from back towards th' infirmary. I take the second to break off the dance and head up the stairs-- but at least I'm a gentleman and give her a bow in thanks for the dance from the catwalk up above before Simon comes out below wantin' to ask her somethin' on what he's thinkin' we need for restockin'.

She looks up at me, though to her brother I'm sure it seems like she's just lookin' up as she's twirlin' around and her skirts trailin' out. "Bigger birds need to dance too," she says before lookin' back at her brother an' sayin', "I'm sorry, Simon. What were you saying?" It's the first time I've heard her call herself "I" in a long time.

* * *

Landfall's easy, I'm assured the last Alliance cruiser left nigh on a week ago, as means we're like to have our full week without travel, and we even make it to berth at the docks an' get all that first paperwork done in plenty o'time to let them as want to wander around for the whole afternoon. Kaylee and Simon and Jayne are off at the kiosk, consultin' on where they's as needs goin' for stockin' and where and when to go first, and 'Nara and River are flutterin' off at the side, waitin' on where they're goin' to go first.

"I'll take first shift, sir," Zo' offers.

"You sure, Zo'?" I ask. "Been a while and I'm sure you could use some fresh air." It's about as direct as we get about talkin' 'bout Wash. Zo'll come in my bunk, we'll talk about nothin' and everythin' but Wash, sometimes all night. I don't mind. It's not so much what you're talkin' about as knowin' there's someone as listens sometimes, no matter what it is that you're sayin'.

She arches one of those eloquent eyebrows o'hers. 'Nara's got smiles, Zo's got those eyebrows o'hers. Kaylee? Well, she's just so gorram shiny, it don' matter if she got a speck o'grease on her nose. Shiny shines through a bit o' mechanic's dirt.

"Because you haven't been breathing the same air I have," she says. "No ... I have some ... things ... I want to ... clean, and I'd rather do it alone." _Wash's stuff. To get rid of or sell. Don't want to know, just hope more cash'n I can account for don't show up in ship's coffers._

"Understand, Zo'. You just give a buzz when you're ready to go, though, and I'll be back in a clip."

She nods, standing side by side with me as we watch the five of them conferrin' now 'bout where they're goin' and in what order. S'funny. They're all like a bunch o'kids, 'spite of the fact Jayne's got Vera and Suzie strapped on, plenty to take care o'just short of a riot.

"You going to continue your cargo bay waltz?" she asks, bold as brass.

"No," I say quickly, not lookin' at her. "Don't know why I let that girl push me around."

She laughs, and when I look at her, gives me another o'those eyebrows o'hers. "You know why. I do, too. Ain't nothing wrong with it, sir."

"Says you."

"Yes, sir. I do."

My need for the last word's cut off, fortunately, by the fact they're all comin' back over to advise of the basic itinerary, so's we can all agree what time we'll lock the bay down altogether for the night for them as want's to sleep here.

"Cap'n," says Kaylee, that light in her eye says she's up to no good 'cept it's still shiny no good. "There's a place called Rossini's what's got a live band an' dancin' but not too fancy like and there's tell they even got noodles of some kind besides dan-dan."

"And the beer's cheap," puts in Jayne.

Simon just rolls his eyes. "I only ask that the floors have less than a septic level of bacteria so that when one of you inevitably gets in a brawl, I only half to use half of my antibiotics at one go to deal with the inevitable lacerations."

Jayne claps him on the shoulder. "Don' worry, kid. I heard what tell they even wash their floors once a week. Plates and utensils, too."

Simon busts out in a grin. "It sounds quite luxurious. What are we waiting for?"

Inara laughs. "Very little." She extends her arm to him, and Kaylee takes the other, even as River hops up on Jayne's back, carefully avoiding Vera and Suzie. And he lets her. Damn, my merc's goin' soft. Next thing I know, he'll be wantin' a ship's cat.

"You comin', Cap'n?" Kaylee asks.

"Sure he is," Zo' says, pinnin' me down. She's a right pain that way, seein' as we'd agreed never to let the crew seein' us disagree in front o'them. That's for closed doors, iron things out so the crew ain't confused about what we reckon to do. Gorram woman done got the last word this time.

"Thanks, Zo,'" I grit out. "I'm a' be along later," I say. "Gonna make the post and set up a call for whatever post there might be comin' our way, make a few call's what see if'n we can't scare up some work. Be nice if we just had some straight boring agri shipments or somethin'."

Everyone, even Jayne, seems all shiny on hearin' I'm goin' to socialize first day at the docks, and they practically bounce off, merry band o'five as they are.

"Dancin' an' not just dan-dan noodles an' drinkin' an' clean floors? Dunno, Zo', sounds like they really ain't gonna be no whores for Jayne," I say, shakin' my head.

"There's a first time for everything, sir," she says, her tone implyin' more. And then she ain't implyin', 'cause she says flat out "Including taking what's clearly on offer, free and knowing and clear."

"There's some things as ain't no one can know, Zo'," I say, warnin' her wi' what I'm hopin' is a warnin' tone in my voice. "An' it ain't free or clear then. There's things it just ain't right no one knowin', and as got to stay as is if things are to stay shiny for everyone else."

It ain't a good last word, it begs more conversation later, but leastaways it's enough to get off the ramp and into the mainway before she comes up with any response.

* * *

"She's better," Simon says as he leans back against the bar next to me. I done finished my own noodles, the kind they called Italian on Earth-that-was, what with tasty red sauce, tomatoes which I ain't had in years, and soft meatballs from beef, and a different kind o'noodle than those as we usually see. Menu here called it spaghetti an' meatballs, and I make a note to myself to find if we can't pick up some tomatoes for a repeat back on the boat.

"Don't you people ever say nothin' like _hello, Mal_, or _hey, Captain_, or even _sir, may I speak with you_?" I'm gettin' truly exasperated. There's a shipwide mutiny to get me sleepin' with River, even her gorram brother, as if I don't know why he's comin' over to talk when usually even after Miranda he's shy o' talkin' to me direct-like. She was right she was gonna keep peckin'-- I jus' had no idea it was gonna be from all sides, involvin' every damned bird on my boat. Nor so soon, neither.

"Nevertheless," he says, smilin' and archin' an eyebrow, "the fact remains. She's better."

"Well, killin' passels o'Reavers, figurin' out why they'd messed her around in the first place, and savin' the 'verse will do that for a girl," I say, not takin' the bait.

He just shakes his head. "She's better because there's someone aboard who understands what she feels like and keeps going anyway. It gives her something to focus on. I have no way of knowing or telling what's going to set her off, much less when she's about to and convince her to come back from wherever she's going."

"There hasn't been call to," I say. "Miranda's the last time she needed remindin' o'where she was. She's been fine ever since." Almost as fine as she'll ever be, I say to myself. Which is perfectly fine as it is. Better than I am, that's for sure.

"No thanks to me," he says, his voice resigned but not bitter. Sprained, she said. He's healin' up, sounds like. "Did you know that they'd done that to her, to make her a ..."

"Took me a bit, but I kinda figured there was more up their sleeves than just makin' her into a reader," I say. shakin' my head. "Too much fuss, otherwise. Readers ain't thick on the ground, but it's not like th'Alliance ain't got none other than her. And ... never know what they're up to, so it's best not to rule anythin' out. So no, I didn't know she'd be better'n me and Jayne an' Zo' an' all our guns put together, but I weren't surprised neither. You get to a point where nothin' surprises you. You just learn to be ready and deal with what comes."

He looks pained and thoughtful. "Part of Shepherd's Book says if thine own hand offend thee, cut it off. I ... there was a point when I might have done that, more or less. Decided she needed to sleep until I could figure out how to fix her. Cut her off from the rest of the 'verse." He trails off, doin' as I do, watchin' his sister and Kaylee an' Nara dancin' circles 'round Jayne, who ain't even drunk an's having a right ol' good time.

"Can't be cuttin' off a hand that's offended you once when it still might be useful. Just because somethin's done somethin' scary once doesn't mean it'll always be scary, or that it needs to be fixed. Can be fixed. Sometimes you just use what you got, an' remember that tools can be used for good as much as for bad." As if I ain't been tryin' to make up for the bad use to which I put my tools in the past. Sometimes I wish I'd just cut my own hand off back then, bled myself out as a result. Sometimes tools are too bad to really be put to good use again.

His voice is level and serious when he responds. "See-- I didn't know that until you made us part of your crew. I probably wouldn't ever have known that otherwise. It's a small part of the 'verse, Captain, the one River and I used to inhabit. And that small part was no good in keeping her safe. I would have brought her back there if I'd had the chance, and I've no doubt she'd be far worse than she was when I first got her-- not as she is now."

"Friend'sll do that for you," I say as I jerk my head at the rest o'them out on the floor and refusin' to bite. I can dance around this all day. "She's as wins herself unusual friends, her an' her ways."

He snorts and looks at me straight on. "You're spoiled as a Captain. You should be a diplomat. You'd never commit to anything ever, and your government would make you a rich man."

"I ain't got no desire to be rich. Just free," I say. "Although enough money to not go scrabblin' for protein's always welcome."

He throws his head back and laughs, an' I'm glad. Spoiled little rich boy like him never'd laugh when he started wi'us. But it's opened him up, this travelin' thing, and now as it's as over as it's gonna be, he seems happy to keep on as our surgeon. Good thing-- he's a right hand at patchin' us up.

"Some vegetables, too," he says, chucklin'.

"You and 'Nara both on about vegetables," I said. "Don' worry, we're pickin' some up 'fore we go, once y'all tire of the gourmet delights on offer here."

I'm still watchin' my crew actin' silly and dancin' their feet off when the music changes from loud and wild to even louder and wilder, which jus' makes 'em all start whoopin' and hollerin'. River beckons me over, Simon too, and Kaylee and 'Nara and Jayne follow suit.

"You should dance with her," he says, meanin' more than just out on the floor.

"I quit dancin' a long time ago," I warn him. "I'm not a good partner. Step on too many toes, can never keep track o'the steps, hell, I even think I'm in the middle of one dance when it's really another. Lousy partner, really."

He shakes his head at me and grabs my arm, a grin on his face. "You just haven't had the right partner," he says, draggin' me out on the floor, and I'm so surprised by his assault on my person that I let him drag me along. With a shove, he aims me at River, even as Jayne sweeps up 'Nara and Simon joins Kaylee, grabbin' hands and twirlin' off and away.

With a smile and a tip o'her head, River grabs my hands and drags me off, makin' me lead and yet I'm followin' her. It's bad manners to walk off the dance floor with a lady, and I ain't had no choice the way Simon done thrown me at her.

He done thrown me at her, not t'other way 'round. Funny, that.

"She doesn't need throwing, no," she says with a smile. "He's the one who needs pulling." And then she pulls me on through the rest o'the steps o'the dance.

* * *

"That girl just don' let go," I pant as I suck down a beer at the bar. River's got Jayne twirlin' her around on the floor, once I convinced her I was serious parched and had man things to attend to as well.

"No, she don't, Cap'n," Kaylee says with a smile. All my gorram crew gettin' all double-laden in all their conversation with me these days. "Plus, you ain't had your nether parts nowhere nice in far too long."

"_Mei-mei_," I say, shocked. "Ain't no way to be talkin' bout a girl like River. That's jus' wrong."

"Why?" she asks, curious. "She's grown and done seen more than any of us save you, and she's righter than those as most people'd call right. We're all a little _feng kuang_, Cap'n, not just her. That don't mean she ain't a woman."

"I ain't sayin' that, _mei-mei_," I try, backtrackin'. "I'm just sayin', River's ... special, an' she's gonna see that she's too special for an old _feng kuang_ like me." 'Cause that weren't as much as comin' right out and sayin' I got less than brotherly feelin's toward the little bird.

Kaylee looks at me like I done turned into a Shepherd. Hell, maybe I have. Like Kaylee says, I ain't had my nether parts nowhere but my pants in way too long.

"Cap'n, you got a crew you think is all special, right?"

"O'course," I say, thinkin'. "I wouldn't make just anyone my crew. They don't have somethin' to offer the boat an' each other, they ain't gonna stay."

"So why you think you ain't nothin' special? You think all us crew signed on to a-- well, no offense because you know that I love her 'most much as you do-- but she's a rickety old boat held together with refurbbed wings and a prayer. You think we signed on without thinkin' there's somethin' special there at the heart of it all that ain't had nothin' to do with the engines or navigation controls?"

I feel myself blushin', and it's been a while since I done that. Kaylee don't often speak so plain nor them others on praisin' me, not that I want 'em to. "That ain't the point," I say.

"Then what is?" she asks, pokin' me in the arm. "'Cause the way I see it, Cap'n, you're wantin' that boat to keep goin' just to give your crew someplace as they can be happy as much as you want her to keep flyin'. Maybe more than you want to keep flyin'. A boat's no home without a crew to fill her up. But what I don' think you get, Cap'n, is that a Cap'n is part of the crew. So ... if'n the crew all deserves bein' happy as much as they can, then why cain't you? That don't make no sense. And River, well, she's got a strange way of sayin' it, but she knows what makes her happy and she knows what makes everyone else happy, too. An' you got to admit it, Cap'n. Flyin' that bird of our'n is a wonderful thing, but she ain't gonna talk to you over the table or keep your bunk warm. You keep actin' like you ain't got no right to be happy, and it just ain't true."

"Kaylee, you're damned insubordinate," I growl at her, gorram annoyed at her and the rest o'my crew for goin' _feng kuang_ and tellin' me I oughta be ruttin' with an innocent girl. Leastaways Jayne ain't been on my case.

She smiles at me and pokes me again. "An' you love me for it. Alright, Cap'n. I'll leave you alone. For now." And with that threat, she bounces back off to the floor.

I watch my surgeon and merc, my two pilots and my mechanic all havin' a right ol'time. And Jayne still ain't even drunk. Blowin' th'Alliance all to pieces like that been a good influence on him. He been almost as perky as Kaylee, though I'd never tell him so or he'll get wavin' Vera at me. He don't like bein' reminded he's a big ol' softy under that knit cap o'his Ma's. But I'm done. All this bein' yammered at about my gorram love life done got me tired. I jerk my head at Jayne to let 'im know that I'm goin', and he comes over a sec.

"I'm a send Zo' over to set a spell or take a whirl with y'all," I say an' he nods, flickin' a glance back out at the floor straight over towards River.

"Gorram it, Jayne. Don't you start too," I say, and walk off before he can get a word in. Last thing I need's my gorram corrupt merc, hell, the one as tried to sell her out from under us all not that long ago, tryin' now on sellin' her to me too.

_I don't need no sellin' on her. And that's exactly the problem._


	4. Chapter 4

Zo' don't act too surprised when I come back on my own.

"Have fun," I say, hopin' she ain't gonna start in on me all over again. No such luck.

"Sir," she says, as serious a look on her face as ever there was when we's sure that the next shellin' was like to be the end of both of us. "Never know what tomorrow's gonna bring, when you're going to go, and while I miss Wash like hell, always will, I don't have regrets for what time we had."

"Zo'," I say. "I ain't gonna talk about it no more, and I ain't gonna listen to no one else 'bout it today. Nor tomorrow. All you plotters and schemers go plot and scheme some more without bendin' my ear, so's you leave a man in peace for a day or so, lest I put y'all in the brig together for mutiny. An' that's a small brig."

"You can't fly a ship with no crew," she says with that damn smirk o'hers, on top of an eyebrow.

"You can't crew a ship with a Cap'n you done drove completely _feng kuang_, neither. So space it, all of y'all, for a time."

I don' wait for no response before I go back up to the front. I know gorram well all she'd do is give me that eyebrow again anyway.

* * *

I'm in my bunk, and damned if I don't lock it from the inside just so's she knows I don't want no company. Not that she can't get it open if she's a-minded to, but maybe she'll just quit peckin' a bit. I can hear 'em all come well, not draggin' in since it don't sound like no one got drunk, but comin' in late after a good time had on land. That's good. They should have a good time.

Kaylee, though, she don't get it. None of them do, even River. There's always gotta be someone watchin' out for the children, as make sure there ain't no wolves comin' for 'em from all directions. There ain't no time to be what Kaylee'd call happy when you're keepin' an outlook like that. The happiness jus' comes from knowin' you're keepin' the wolves off, and mos' days, it's enough. The days that it ain't? Well, if'n you're lucky, they just don't come that often. If'n you're not, well, you don't stand down regardless. You just keep pushin' those loud behind voices off as far as you can, knowin' you still got to keep lookin' around. Wolves are always louder than loud behind voices, even mine. Handy that way.

* * *

I let 'em all spend more time on the ground than maybe I would've done otherwise. Jayne and Zo' and me take turns stayin' with the boat, an' I spend my time off ship runnin' errands for Kaylee and Simon and totin' up what we need for the mess and whatever other things ain't particular to what the crew wants for themselves. We even got two lines on jobs we can do at the same time, tho' we won't know 'til right before take off. Won't be the first time, so I leave off worryin' on that end of things. I gave 'em all pay when we first hit the ground, tho' I didn't save much for myself. It's enough they're enjoyin' themselves, and I don't need nothin' I don't have already, maybe exceptin' another shirt and some pants. Once that's done and they're sent off to the boat, I'm confused to find myself in the stalls wi' ladies' clothes in front of a stand with those flowy-like flowery skirts the little bird favors.

I can't be buyin' her stuff. I can't go encouragin' her. But they've got 'em in those pinks and blues that she likes and the lady watchin' the stall knows that of all the suckers born every gorram minute, I'm one of the biggest.

"See something you like?" she asks with a smile. "For someone special?" she adds.

'Course, next thing I know I'm showin' her how tall the little bird stands and how little her waist is, gorram cursin' my hands for rememberin' what I keep tellin' my brains to forget since we done danced, and she's got me buyin' three o'those twirly-type skirts that she likes at a "special price for a man so handsome as you."

I ain't gonna carry them back to the boat by mysel' though, I got engine parts to pick up in the mule, so I just give her the berth an' my name and she wraps 'em to send 'em on at th'end o'the day. She smiles at me one last time as I'm rubbin' the back o' my head an' wonderin' why the hell I'm so spacelost.

_I'm more feng kuang than anyone gives me credit for. 'Specially her._

_

* * *

_O'course, even Jayne gets in on it 'spite of my tellin' him not to. Ain't nobody listenin' to me any more. I'm unloadin' the mule and tellin' him to get goin', but he gives me the same eye he does when he's cleanin' his guns. Attentive-like. And gorram-it, like he cares when the man cared nothin' bout nothin' but his guns when he signed on.

Instead, he starts helpin' me unload the mule when before he'dve been off to the nearest whorehouse and be drunk halfway there just on his prospects.

"You gonna go back out an' actually spend time with the crew afore we lift off?" he says, takin' one end of a big controller ain't no way I can carry to Kaylee's engine bay all by myself.

"No reason to," I say. "Let everyone enjoy themselves before we get back to work. Spend enough time w'me in the Black. Don't need to be seein' my sorry face on the ground, too."

"You just ain't got no end of feelin' sorry for yourself," he says then.

"It ain't feelin' sorry, Jayne," I say. "It's just knowin' when people need a break. An' if'n I need a break from all y'all I don't see as it's nobody's business."

He looks at me a long moment, then says "No, that's mostly right. But I'll tell ya somethin' Mal, you ain't really takin' a break even if you're thinkin' you are. I sure as hell seen an' done things a whole lot worse then you ever did, an' don' tell me you ain't regrettin' some of your'n because maybe you enjoyed the gettin' some back part a little too much-- but that's as it is. Book was onta somethin' when he was allus talkin' bout redemption and changin' and just doin' better than afore bein' all that matters in th'end. An' I know you feel like you gotta watch out the whole time. S'what makes you a good Cap'n. An' I know you're keepin' watch all the time not 'cause you don't think me an' Zo' can't."

He takes a long, thoughtful pause, and 'spite o'myself I listen, since it's not often Jayne talks so much an' he has more to say than most folks when he does.

"But ... think on it this way. If'n you never sleep, all that not sleepin' catches up w'you one day. Maybe it ain't happened yet, but that don' mean it won't, an' you know it allus happens when it's not a good time. So maybe you oughta think about how you can as you don't need to stay awake all the time, leastaways it catch up wi'you at just the wrong moment. After all, if'n a nasty ol' merc like me gets to take a watch or two off, then a Cap'n who knows well enough to regret more than I ever did should too."

"You done?" I ask, settin' my end of the thing down in time w'him. Bastard don't even need a warnin' to be payin' attention to what needs doin' round here. He'd make Zo' a good second if'n and when I join the Black.

"'Pends," he says seriously. "You listenin'?"

"I heard ya," I say.

He just gives me this look. "Yeah. I know ya heard me. But listenin's different."

I just shake my head and go back to my bunk. Seems I been doin' a lot of that these days, an' it just keeps gettin' emptier.

* * *

It all comes to a head the next mornin' when all've 'em 'cept River's on me at breakfast 'bout how we've only got one more day an' I ain't seen the sights nor come out with 'em again since that first night when "y'aint had more'n one dance w'each of us, Cap'n, we're like to think you don't love us. 'Specially Jayne. He didn't even get one dance wi'you, nor Simon," Kaylee says with a grin.

They're all smilin' and jokin' and River's just pokin' away makin' tea an' I _know_ she's just pushin' at 'em. She's not pushin' at 'em more'n what they're already thinkin', and she ain't one to go puttin' words in their mouths as ain't already thoughts to provide 'em, long as they're not Alliance. But she's pushin' the thoughts out into words where maybe some's as keep a mite more quiet than has.

"That's enough," I say, bangin' my hand on the table, though I ain't yet had tell to be raisin' my voice. They all get quiet right quick. "Y'all think it's funny, an' it's not. I got my reasons, whether y'all think they're good ones, an' if y'all can't let a man alone w'his thoughts, then y'all gotta think what it means to be a crew an' a family. I ain't sayin' y'all can't think whatever you want. But comes a time ain't doin' no good to keep peckin'. Sometimes it's better as keepin' beaks shut."

She turns around and looks at me, head tipped and concerned as I say I know as they're peckin'.

Lookin' at her direct-like, since o'course she knows I ain't tellin' _them_ how it is, I try to explain. "See, little bird, you keep on peckin', it bleeds. And if it bleeds enough, well, it can't fly, and if it can't fly, it stops workin'. You keep peckin', it stops bein' broken and moves on over to just not workin' no more."

The rest of them are watchin' and ain't got no idea what we're talkin' 'bout in particular, and she's gettin' wide-eyed.

"It bleeds?" she says, soundin' sorry, like she's finally gettin' the picture. She almost always gets it, but even she don't always get it right away. Sometimes it takes a bit, this bein' one o'those times..

"Just about," I say with a nod, and hopin' she reads I ain't tryin' to be mean, I'm just tryin' to make her understand. "Now," I say, lookin' at her and everyone else of my sorry lot. "I'ma gonna go not be pecked at for a spell. Jayne, you and Zo' decide as who's keepin' watch since Jayne, you're so keen on sharin' that out, and ain't no one as call me lest there's fightin' or Reavers or bleedin'. I'll be back on the morrow, close as two hours before liftoff. I'll 'spect everyone of them as is continuin' on to be here fifteen minutes before."

They're quiet as I head off, stop quick in my bunk for my coat and money and weapons, but no one comes after me as I walk off the deck. Almost wish that they would, though.


	5. Chapter 5

Th'only thing I really miss 'bout planetside is the horses. Even the brushin' and cleanin' them up is a respite. They don' want more than a kind hand and their feed and their water. Smooth terrain and nothin' to jump over's always a bonus, but they'll do as you ask so long as you treat 'em nice. It's easy, a simple relationship that don't require no conversation other than _whoa_ or _giddup_ or an occasional _shh_ and _attagirl_ or _attaboy_ as the case may be. Leave you alone wi'your thoughts, horses do.

S'more quiet than I had in almost two weeks, ever since she come into th' cockpit and says "_Black is quiet and soothing_," an' I find myself talkin' aloud to the horse. Practicin' my speech to the little bird, since as she says, thinkin's one thing and sayin' aloud is another. But damned if it don't sound stupid and hollow and like nothin' I'd ever listen to if I were givin' that speech to my men. Horse thinks so too. She keeps flickin' her ears back at me and chuffing disgusted-like.

"What do you know?" I hear myself asking. "You're a gorram horse, an' it's complicated." She just chuffs disgusted-like all over again. But took me long enough to get out past city limits, so I'll be gorramed if I let one horse as disagrees with my thoughts on my love life convince me I ain't gonna camp and look up at the Black from the ground, not from a chair.

It's nice, that stoppin' for supper and campin' an' watchin' the Black bloom overhead. Horse lightens up and stops givin' me her own eye rollin' when she smells as I brought her sweet feed to go on with her graze, an' I even catch me the local kind of a rabbit, fresh meat all to myself after not too long over my fire. 'Nara and Simon're always goin' on about vegetables, but I still say it's fresh meat as there's nothing like. Jayne'd agree, prob'ly want to wrestle me for half if he didn't catch his own. Prob'ly would, though. Man's a fine hand with a knife.

Supper done and offal and all them scavenger-attractin' castaways set far downwind, bankin' the fire done too after I hobble the mare, it's easy enough to roll out and up in the blankets I done borrowed from the stables along with the horse. I lay there, watchin' the Black and the stars blinkin' and smellin' the air that's not the same as we been breathin' weeks on between jobs. And sleep comes, 'ventually.

* * *

O'course, ain't never as easy as just wantin' sleep by one's self under the stars where he's the only one thinkin' and the only one for miles around to hear himself thinkin'.

They're dyin' around me again, and those bombers done come an' gone, and it's like the whole earth's come to swallow us up, 'cept from above. Fiery rain from above, and exploding lines of gunfire from their ground cannon sending up dirt and rock, buryin' men and all their parts by sheer dint of explodin' them into millions o'pieces and scatterin' them so far an' wide it ain't never like to be possible to tell who's who anymore. Not when all's left is a finger. An' I left Zo' with them because jus' seein' all that death-- they don't care, those who done this to us. They'll wipe every last one of us off the surface, off any surface, if it'll get them the cowed assent they want instead o' people actually agreein' with what they have to say because it's actually the right thing to do. Zo' thinks I'm goin' out to administer that what they used to call the _coup de grace_ back on Earth-that-was, but what I always called _better us than them_. But there ain't no one to give that final metal kiss to-- just fingers and parts I ain't ever gonna make sense of, nor ever forget.

The smell-- it works its way in your soul, not just your nose, though there's that too. Dirt, copper and char, bone, flesh and hair, raw an' cooked, smellin' like no other meat. Chemicals and gunpowder, melted metal and burnt plastic, and fuel burnin' from those few of their planes we did manage to shoot outta th'air. So I'm stumblin' over all these piles of smell, and I get to their last gunnery station-- and find they've even bombed their own men too, so long's it kills us in the process.

It don't stop me, though.

"Four thousand men," I kept sayin', "and there'n thirty left, _thirty_," I say, soundin' too calm to be anything but completely _feng kuang_ when I find their last gunner. A sergeant, like me. And then I start makin' slow even cuts, shallow ones that hurt and bleed and I know, not like I ain't been on the receivin' end enough myself to know how it's done so it hurts so much you just wish that God that don't exist except in those Books'd come along and smite you just to put you out of your misery. I'm wonderin' how close I'll get to four thousand less thirty cuts on their sergeant, their me, him as now knows at least one Browncoat ain't down, at least one Browncoat's gonna fight back. 'Cept it ain't fightin, and I know damned well his back's broken, that his own folk done abandoned him if it leaves me and Zo' and twenty eight others all that's left o' us. An' I do it anyway, 'cause that smell in Serenity Valley's so far from serene that it's an abomination of sorts. That smell does drive one more'n a bit mad. Bout the fortieth cut or so, right about when he stopped beggin' and just shut his eyes and breathed blood and set his mind to endurin', though, his face done shifts in the dream and o'course it's the little bird.

I spook the mare, I wake up so loud an' suddenlike, yellin' an' pantin' an' sweatin' an' tears streamin' down my face like they ain't since at that fiftieth cut when that one last Alliance man left bubbled out a gasped "Sorry" and died on me. Took me another three hours to crawl my back way to Zo' and them last twenty eight after just layin' there two hours watchin' his finally-still face and knowin' how I just became _them_, killin' without need to, just because I could. Never did tell Zo'. Never did tell no one. Just ... tried to have a reason for killin' someone thereafter. I always do, even if it's not always a good reason. At least there's some explanation aside from sheer vicious crazy.

"That's why, little bird," I say aloud, wonderin' if she can hear. Wouldn't surprise me. And I sort of hope that she can. Maybe it'll settle things before I have to actually talk to her when I get back to the ship, and she'll go back to lettin' me treat her like a _mei-mei_ and nothin' more complicated than that. Nothin' more unsettlin' and too comfortable all't once.

"That's why. You done killed lots of folk, but never someone who didn't deserve it on purpose, nor just because you could. You never needed to kill no one, River, just because nothin' else but killin' would do." I think some more on it and say the rest out loud, since thinkin' it's one thing. Admittin' it out in the air is another.

"See, you ain't never killed yourself, girl. I killed that sergeant there on that ridge, I done killed myself by bein' like them, and that's more broken as ever is fair to foist on someone. You ain't done that, and that's a loud behind voice I ain't ever gonna let you have to listen to later for your own self. But it ain't once you can work your black magic on, neither."

Little speech to the Black and my _bao bay_ little bird made, I shift 'round to feed the fire back up a bit. Ain't no use in tryin' to sleep no more tonight-- better to just wait 'til it's dawn enough to head back in and get myself clean at the bathhouse before headin' back. Gonna be a while before I get a proper haircut that ain't at the end of Zo's fingers, her as never cuts it quite short enough but does it more even than I can. And best to wash off the stink o'fear sweat, since while River's sure to know what's on in my head, I don' need Jayne and Zo' pickin' up on the fact that my ridin' off to collect my thoughts left 'em more scattered than before I ever left. They was doin' the peckin', for sure, and it's true, I was just about bleedin'. I'm gonna ignore the fact that by tellin' the Black that the girl can't be black on that particular ill, I think I made that final cut, that one that lets me bleed out all myself.

_It'll be a slow bleed, though, _I tell myself. _Won't be but months before anyone notices he's not just broken but well on his way to not workin' no more. Even her, maybe. He hopes so._

"That's just shiny," I say aloud to the mare as I saddle up at the first light. "Now he's talkin' just like she does, even as he thinks he's done talkin' her outta this whole _fong leg bao bay_ thing."

The mare flicks her ears back and chuffs even more disgustedly at me. "You got that right," I say.

* * *

You kill enough people and see enough dyin', you get on to wonderin' how your own's like to come. I done thought of a thousand possibilities, th'Alliance and people I done hornswaggled and people who done hornswaggled me, lots of Reavers, and that last sergeant up on the ridge most prominently. He does it most in dreams, not in wakin' speculations. But I always thought it'd be some kind o'violence, him living by the sword dyin' by it and all them cheery thoughts. Never thought I'd live old 'nough to die in my bed, lest I came down with some space plague.

_'Specially never thought it'd be from gettin' rolled by a horse too shy to take a dry streambed not two feet wide at a canter. Gorramit. Leastaways Jayne ain't likely to kill Zo' anymore to take over the ship. They might even work somethin' out, amicable-like, keep the crew altogether._

O'course, horse's fine once she's done rollin' atop me, I can see that much even after crackin' my head I see stars in full on daylight. _More'n a few ribs. Arm, maybe both. Thigh bone, too, maybe_. Had too many broken bones in my time not to be able to recognize what it feels like. Know, too, what it feels like when one o'those ribs gets stuck in somethin' what's going to bleed somethin' serious. Just hope this conked head o'mine knocks me out before I done feel what it's like to drown in my own blood. Seen that too many times to wish that on anyone, even myself, even after killin' myself with that sergeant up on that ridge, there.

_Bones don't always knit when they break, little bird. Sometimes when they break, they cause their own bleedin'_, _and there's no time to knit before you just stop workin'_. I'm not sure if I say it out loud. _Don't s'pose it matters. Sorry, little bird._

* * *

"He's not to go to the Black yet. Not allowed. Not time to. Still more big brother and _bao bay_ things to do. She sees it. The Black tells her it's going to happen. He just has to not go to the Black yet."

_She ain't seriously naggin' me even after I've done already gone now, is she?_

"Not in the Black yet, he isn't. Not allowed." She don't sound panicked. Just like she's decided and that's all there is to it.

_River, bao bay, ain't no sense in talkin' to the Black. You're like on to make Simon worry. _Can't believe I'm havin' a conversation with her after I'm already dead an' all. Shepherd's Book ain't had nothin' to say 'bout that. This ain't gonna be shiny, talkin' to myself for the rest of eternity.

"Not talking to the Black. Talking to Mal. Mal's here, he just feels like the Black because she can be big sister about the broken parts until she makes them knit again so they're just broken, don't bleed so much they become not working. But she can be big sister on this."

"River..." Simon's voice done sound spooked. Don't blame him none. "Are you talking to the Captain?"

"No, I'm talking to Book. Of course I'm talking to Mal, Simon. Book's dead. Mal's not."

_Whoa, there, little bird, ain't no cause to be talkin' to your brother that way. He's just on worried 'bout you._

"Mal, shut up, I'm trying to work," she says clear as day, an' more direct than she's ever done said to me. "I've never done this healing thing before, if you don't stop talking you're going to distract me. Now Simon, you just get out of the way."

And then I kinda lose track o'the conversation, 'cause I can't feel much except what might be her fingers doin' that thing in my hair or on the side o'my cheek again. "There's the Black and there's black, Mal," she says. "One's the end, one's just quiet and soothing. Think on the quiet and soothing type. No loud behind voices right now, okay? Promise."

_If'n you say so, little bird._

"Shh. Go to sleep, Mal."


	6. Chapter 6

When I wake up, I'm in th'infirmary, and it hurts like all hell. Like a horse done rolled on me. 'Cept for the not bein' dead part, o'course.

"I hate horses," I groan. _Yep, I sound too mis'rable to be dead._

"Well, horses don't hate you, they just hate dry streambeds," River says as she boosts herself up on the ledge next to the bed, lookin' down at me an' straight in the eye, and wearin' one o' those new skirts I bought her. "She's sorry, she said. "Saw too many rocks on the other side and got afraid."

I try to laugh, but it hurts too gorram much. "Well, I hope you told her I didn't take it personal-like."

"I did," she smiles.

"What's the damage, then, _bao bay_?"

She shrugs. "Don't know. Only fixed, don't know the parts. Ask Simon."

"When'd the fixin' come on then?" I still sounded miserable. Feel miserable too, proof's enough I'm alive. But I'm curious 'bout that right odd conversation we had when I know I was prob'bly too full up with blood to be talkin' out loud.

"Don't know," she says, shrugging. "Felt you fall. Felt you and the loud behind voices before you fell, too, but you were coming back so I didn't need to go to say you were wrong-- except felt you fall. Felt it hurt. So I went, made Simon and Jayne come."

"You never done that before now, though..."

She shrugs. "No. Some things come and go, broken enough but not so much to forget I shouldn't always ask why, just use what tools there are. Maybe it will come again, maybe not. Simon should still have a job." At this last, she gives me a small smile, taps my forehead once with her finger, and kisses me once on the lips. "Told you I was black."

"You sure did," I say.

"Not going to argue?" she asks, genuinely worried.

"Little bird," I say, tired. "You sure you got all those loud behind voices o'mine sorted out? 'Cause there's some o' them you ain't never had yourself, an' you shouldn't have to."

"I know," she says, serious. "But that's what makes you big brother now, being a bad brother then. Changes you. Makes you not just never do it again, makes you make sure no one else does it either. Is why you were big brother at Miranda."

I been trying to wish it were true all this time, knowin' that were it anyone else, I'dve told them the same thing. Hell, I did when I told Simon you don't just castaway a tool because it's been used once badly. And I s'pose Jayne was tryin' to tell me too when he was all on about redemption an' allowin' yourself to let others watch out for awhiles. But mostly, it's like she said first-- _he does all the big brother things without a bao bay to say he did right_ and that _the question is broken and still working, not a question of ... numbers. Just ... she's broken and he's broken and each other is black_. But havin' her say it, havin' her say I did right-- well, it does make a difference, and it's as simple as she said it would be. Just each of us broken but still black to the other.

"Alright, then. You're so set on bein' black, _bao bay_, I ain't see how I can rightly argue wi' you 'nymore." 'Specially since I done wanted this ever since well, sometime before Miranda leastaways, though took her takin' down all those Reavers that done set it in my mind solid. Mal Gorram Reynolds, a reg'lr romantic who done fall in love when a girl massacres Reavers for his crew. Our crew, I s'pose.

She smiles, a bright smile of triumph and expectancy and bein' pleased at herself.

"Told you," she says, tappin' me on the forehead again, and makin' my eyelids heavy all a sudden.

"Found those skirts, din' you River?"

She chuckles, says "Very _wan mei_, thank you _bao bay_," then says "Sleep more, Mal," and she's pressin' those soft lips o'hers over mine.

_Gorram fairytales with those fairy princesses who put you to sleep with a touch._

"Just get better faster Mal. I'll leave it off then."

* * *

Only took two days before I was limpin' around an' complainin' back on my own two feet again. She done fixed the leg bone, which's all good because damned how I know I was goin' to get 'round the boat if'n I didn't have both legs under me, but in th'end she didn't get far wi'the ribs or th'arm, though it were only one arm, not two. Fixed jus' enough to get mostly round on my own, though I'm gorram slow an' ain't gonna be winnin' no boxin' matches for now.

Simon just shakes his head when I ask for the tally of what she done took care off before I got back to the boat. "The femur and the internal organ damage and the skull fracture and subdural hematoma," he says.

"That all?" I ask drily, and he looks at me for a long moment before he starts whoopin' with laughter.

When he calms down, I say "Well, looks like I'll have to keep you on leastaways 'til that sister o'yours learns to finish things up, not leave the lesser stuff all undone. Jus' think, though, all the money we could save on stockin' th'infirmary."

He shakes his head, then says "Well, I'll have some time, then, to get Jayne to teach me how to fire a gun, just so I can make myself useful. Perhaps I can take over the cooking."

Then it was my time to snort. He can sew any flesh back together in the damn 'verse, but kid can't put protein together just readin' the side o' the box. "Stick with the guns. Please."

* * *

She ain't tried none to crawl into th'Infirmary bed an' sleep wi' me those two days 'til Simon says was safe for me to go'n back to my bunk. "Just be careful of those ribs and that arm climbing up and down ladders," he says. "I've only got them half knit, that bone stimulator isn't an immediate cure."

S'funny, him checkin' me over as makin' sure it's alright for me to get on with runnin' my ship again wi' River sittin' by lookin' at me an' conductin' some internal healer inventory even as her brother uses them machines o'his. They both agree I can go back to th' helm-- Simon's rightly more'n a bit spooked when River says "machines say it right"-- tho' seems like Zo' an' Jayne been holdin' it down fine, leastaways since we ain't taken off yet. I asked how we done come t' afford another few days at our berth, 'n Kaylee done perked up to say "Oh, I just did a few things for th'engine repair shop at the wharf. Paid plenty o'coin." By the pleased look on Zo's face, plenty's quite a bit. 'Specially since there's spaghetti and real meatballs wi' real tomato sauce our last night at berth.

"Tomatoes don't travel well," River says.

But soon's we take off, complete wi' two agri loads goin' t' the same place, an' each payin' on for full use o' the bay-- that Jayne's right clever, makin' it look t'each of 'em like it was goin' to take that much space, thank the 'verse for them smugglin' compartments,. But I'm back insistin' on at least spellin' River an' 'Nara at the helm just so's they can get some sleep. 'Course, two or three hours in hurts too gorram much to do any more. Never been so tired from just sittin'. So I'm spendin' more time in my bunk lyin' flat an' tryin' not to keep them ribs from grindin' together and comin' undone when that first night out she comes in bold as brass, shuts up the hatch, 'n says "Mal, need some sleep."

"I ain't arguin', River," I say, not even botherin' to roll up an' look at her, seein' as I only got one arm to prop myself on right about now. "But I ain't got no need for your new sleepin' pills, I'm tired enough."

"No, no sleeping pills, just inside holding," she says, then crawls into my bunk on my good side. "I'm tired too, and it's blacker here than my bunk." That said, she pulls my arm into what she considers the appropriate position for wrappin' round that small waist o'hers, reaches up to slap off the lights, and pulls the covers over us both, lyin' light on her side next to me. This time, her kiss on my lips in the dark is more solid, like a little bird landin' to roost, not fly away again. So I do what's natural and comfortable, and pull her a mite tighter and kiss her a bit harder back. It's a bit strange, that and hearin' her mostly usin' her pronouns like others when I'm so used to decipherin' what she's sayin' if'n most o'the rest o'them can't.

"Hard to tell them what to do to round up the horse and you if can't get out words they don't understand. Though metaphor's truer still than direct words sometimes, and articles, pronouns are _hard_," she says, listenin' in on my thoughts again.

"Well, at least you're still pokin' round in my head," I say, laughin'.

"Comfortable there, each is black to each other" she says, runnin' her finger 'long my jaw.

"Sounds about right, _bao bay_. Each is comfortable black."


End file.
